i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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