If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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