i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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