just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
