I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
