He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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