sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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