I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
