I could have mohawked her pubes.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
