I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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