Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
