Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My liver just broke up with me...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
