Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
