An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
