I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
