wanna go halves on a baby?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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