Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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