The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
