I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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