making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
