It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
