I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
