Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
