So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
