If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
