Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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