im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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