The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
