I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
