Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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