I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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