Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Green mimosas i think yes
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
