This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
