Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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