Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
