dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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