I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
