Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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