my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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