I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize