Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
