i jhust puked up my retainher.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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