OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
