i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
