I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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