I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just want nice things and good sex
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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