Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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