Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
