I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
