yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
