Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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